i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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