I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
