So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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