Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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