I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
did i walk over a car last night?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize