They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
