she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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