i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
