I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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