your parents love me but you hate me
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
