I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
