I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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