I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
