One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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