So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
