my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
