i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize