Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
