I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
