i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
