Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
last night I used snow as a chaser
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
