Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
