I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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