Soap is not a condiment
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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