does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
