you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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