I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Dicks are not precious.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
