His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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