Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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