i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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