who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
