you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
