i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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