I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
