dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
