I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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