we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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