I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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