Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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