I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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