Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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