You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
