Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Randomize
