Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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