Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
