My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
