i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
