oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
