yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
