i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
