I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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