before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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