i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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