i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
