I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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