college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
