Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
