i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i out mim tonsoeep
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
