Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
